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| Virtual Hogwarts .net > The Lakefront > Power of One |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 26 2004, 12:24 AM |
| Alex left the castle as quickly as she could. She didn't know why for sure, but the walls of the castle seemed to be closing in around her. She couldn't stand to be anywhere near anyone or anything really. Not her dorms, not her classes, not even her best friends and cousin. She felt like one of the worst people in her mind. She had failed. She had failed where she should have succeeded. She broke her promise to her uncle, and to herself. She still could not believe they had all been out there for a month. An entire month going though hell. An entire month she was not able to do anything to prevent or stop what was happening. An entire month of her breaking promises. After finding out both Vivi and Aura were alive, Alex had made a vow. She was not going to put them in a situation where they would have her to depend on. She was not worthy of having them depend on her at all. Not when she had made what could have been the ultimate failure. Breathing a sigh of relief when she saw the familiar spot at the lake and the familiar tree with the perfect view of the lake one way and a view of the forest the other, she dropped her bag on the ground. Immediately after, she forced herself on the ground as well and pulled out her journal. Lately, it had become her comfort and her retreat. It was the one thing that she knew she could keep safe. Oddly enough, she still always returned it silently and secretively to her cousin's room. She still felt a need to keep no secrets from her cousin, even if she was keeping her distance. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 26 2004, 12:34 AM |
| Oliver strolled around the lawn of the castle, supervising the students and making sure that all of their, "Extracirricular activities" were legal as far as the school was concerned. Seeing his teaching assistant exit the castle, Oliver made his way over to say hello to her, then frowned as she walked right past him, obviously too imersed in her thoughts to pay him any heed. Watching her closely as she walked, Oliver noticed something strange. Alexandria, who was usually an extremely outgoing girl wasn't speaking to anyone, in fact, it appeared that she was so focused on one thing in front of her that there was nothing else. Finally, the girl stopped and sat by the lake, pulling out a journal. Glancing around at the other students around him, Oliver thought for a moment, then decided that they would be fine if left to themselves for a few moments. Making his way towards the spot where his assistant sat, Oliver cleared his throat to announce his presence then said, "Alexandria? Is everything alright?" |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 26 2004, 12:44 AM |
| Alex had been so immersed in writing her thoughts in her journal that, for once, she hadn't even heard the professor come up behind her. Ordinarily, even with her back to the castle her spot out here was so quiet and peaceful, she would hear someone come from a mile away. That in itself, showed her how much she had retreated into the puple book with drawings of Kallisto, Isis, and the Ravenclaw crest drawn on it. Alex visibily jumped when she heard the professor clear his throat and say, "Alexandria? Is everything alright?" Frowning at the line she made across her page, she pulls out a blotter and tries to bloat the line away that was created when she dropped her quil. She hadn't expected anyone to come out here. Not after things said and done. Looking up at the professor, she put on the best smile she could muster, one which to anyone who knew her would see as an obvious fake. She onlt hoped maybe Professor Wood would not see through it, though knoing that that hope was futile. "Hello, Professor Wood. How are you?" She said with a fake cheerfulness, purposely avoiding his question. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 26 2004, 12:55 AM |
| "I'm well." Oliver said, noting the fake smile on Alexandria's face along with her obvious desire to avoid his question. It was obvious that something was wrong, very wrong. Sitting down beside the Ravenclaw girl, Oliver stared out over the lake, mentally commending Alexandria on her choice of brooding spots, then said, "Now that we've gotten attempted distractions out of the way, would you care to answer my question?" |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 26 2004, 01:11 AM |
| "I..." Alex began quietly. She knew that the professor would see right through her facade. How could he not? It was one of those things that you could just know when you had talked to someone many times. Of all the people to tell the truth to, she knew that he would be someone who would understand. Still, she did not really want to say anything. Surely he had more important things to attend to then his asstant's falling apart life. "No getting one past you..." Alex said with a rather dry chuckle. 'When in doubt... make a bad joke...' She added to herself. Though, she really could not believe she said that. It was a very rare thing when anything could be heard coming out of her mouth that was anything but full of respect, to those that deserved it, and especially to ther professors and those she admired. "I'm sorry, Sir..." She said apologising for her smart, dry remark. "I just... no... I don't want to answer your question as it would not be a very good answer... " |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 26 2004, 01:14 AM |
| Oliver shook his head at the sad attempt at a joke the obviously distraught girl made before telling him that she couldn't give him an answer to his question. Still shaking his head, Oliver fixed Alexandria with a searching look and said, "I don't believe that it would be a poor answer at all Alexandria. There is something obviously wrong with you. I havn't seen you around with Juliana at all...and she's another story. I know there is something up, it would help both of us if you would explain it." |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 26 2004, 01:24 AM |
| "You haven't seen me around with her because I haven't been around her..." Alex said stating a most obvious fact. "Or anyone for that matter.... not really..." Glancing at the professor once, she turned and stred at the forest, instead of the lakeview. She then shook her head and returned to looking out over the lake and whispered quietly, "I failed..." She had said it so quietly she didn't even realise it was out loud. It was meant to be a thought that no one would hear of know about. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 26 2004, 01:28 AM |
| "You failed?" Oliver said frowning...."What did you fail...I know it couldn't have been a class. You're on top of things like that." The admition had been quiet, so quiet he had barely heard it, this was obviously something very difficult for her to discuss, but from the looks of things and the admission that she had drawn completely into herself, Alexandria had told Oliver that someone needed to hear what was wrong. "Tell me what you failed." He said, hoping that she would. |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 26 2004, 01:40 AM |
| Alex turned and looked at the professor with wide eyes. Had she actually said that outloud? She didn't think she had, but either he was very intuitive or she had spoken her thought when she least wanted to; in front of someone and not on the page. Her journal had been the only one she had voiced it to intentioanally. Turning back away, she stared out at the lake. She didn't know for sure why, but she felt she could say a little bit to him. She felt he may understand. "I failed... in my promise. I broke my uncle's last wish...." |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 26 2004, 01:53 AM |
| So it was like that. Oliver shook his head, understanding to some degree what the girl was going through. It was difficult when you had sworn something to a person, then something had happened that made you feel as though you'd failed them and yourself. It made a person feel worthless, utterly and completly worthless. "Alex. I don't know what this promise was, but you have to get past it. You don't want to end up like me, always dwelling on a mistake that happened, or a choice you made. You need to move on, find another way to make up the promise....something. Don't punish those who care." |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 27 2004, 09:05 AM |
| "You don't understand... I can't make this up. Never. It was a very simple thing to do and it can never be made up." Alex said frowning and looking directly at the Professor. "Aura is the only one now. She knows. She knows and accepts that I can not be around anyone. She knows that this is for the best. This was all my fault. I should have done something, but I couldn't. I did nothing. I'm not like you. I'm not worthy of having people care. It only ends up with them hurt from my failure." She could not believe she had just said that much outloud. Why did she feel she could open up to the Professor about this when no one else other than her journal knew for sure? |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 27 2004, 12:20 PM |
| Oliver shook his head, "I know that it feels like that Alexandria, but you can't go through life alone. I've tried it and trust me, all you're going to do is make yourself miserable, along with those who care for you." Oliver sat for a minute, looking out over the lake and thinking, then he said carefully, "Everyone fails and everyone makes mistakes, it's the way that we deal with those mistakes and failures that determines what kind of person we are Alexandria. You have to realize that. Moping about it and cutting yourself off from everyone doesn't help a thing. Neither does feeling sorry for yourself." Feeling as if his speech had been a little harsh, Oliver waited for a reply. |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 27 2004, 04:03 PM |
| "So... now, not only am I not worthy of being around my friends, but I am a horrible person now too? Just for doing what has to be done. Great... just peachy." Alex said sarcastically, turning back away from the professor and leaning against the tree. "Fine.. I will give you this... you may know what you are talking about.... But..... there is one big difference. You chose that way of life because of things you did. Things that had to be done." Alex said thinking of the story of Jade. "I am making this decision because of what I did not do. What I should have done and could not. My uncle is probably rolling over in his grave now. Because. Of. Me. Because of my failure to do the one thing he asked as his last wish of me." Blinking her eyes a few times, she kept leaning against the tree staring out towards the forest, wrapping her arms around her middle. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 27 2004, 04:11 PM |
| "There is always a choice Alexandria, and I never said that you were a bad person. You need to open your eyes. Don't patronize me either, I had a choice, I could have ignored everything happening, or left, or any number of things. I made promises too Alexandria. Things happen that we have no control over. I don't know what you promised, but I have a feeling that had you been able to do anything to keep your promise you would have. |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 27 2004, 04:29 PM |
| "I'm sorry.... I didn't mean to patronize you..." She said whispering quietly, still staring out at the forest, hugging her middle. "That's the thing though.... I didn't do a thing... not a thing... I should have done everything I could have, but I didn't do a thing. I was useless. I should have stopped it. I shouldn't have just sat here and done nothing. I mean... I chastised Livy for her telling me not to do anything... told her she didn't care... and then... then I don't do anything myself." "You don't have to say I am a bad person... I already know I am." She added, blinking her eyes again rapidly. She would not show her weak side. Especially not to someone who's respect she wanted to keep. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 29 2004, 11:28 PM |
| Oliver sat, completely puzzled as to what he needed to do to convince Alexandria that she was wrong. A fact to which Oliver had no doubt in his mind. "You aren't a bad person," he started, "a bad person wouldn't be as concerned about this as you are... Alexandria, you've got to get past this. What else is there to do? You can't go on like this. If you don't agree to at least try, I'm going to have to resort to desparate measures....I'll tell Juliana about all of this." he said, hoping that Alexandrai would either take him seriously and be scared or that the quip would at least lighten the mood. |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 30 2004, 08:08 PM |
| "Go ahead.... tell her.... She already knows. I already told her she is better off without me. Which she of course asked me if I had lost posession of my mind...." Alex said flatly, with a dry laugh at the end. She found it somewhat funny being asked if she had lost her mind since her house is known for having a hidden padded room.... not that she needed to go there. She had full posession of her mind. This was the absolute best thing to do. "Me? Lose posession of my mind.... right... this is for the best. If I have no friends... I have no one to let down. No one that will be hurt because of my lack of action." She said matter of factly, truly believing herself after telling herself this for so long. Looking down at her hands again, she let a small tear finally overcome her control. It was only a momentary loss of control though and so, it was only a single one. Taking a breath, she whispered quietly, "For what it's worth, Professor Wood.... I do get what you are saying... the rational side of me... the one who normally wins out... is screaming the same thing. It is just being overcome by this inner.... demon.... a demon of... guilt. It is drowning out the rational side... and.... andI don't know how to shake it." Looking up at him, she continued, "How did you? How did you decide to let go of the guilt? I want to shake it... I miss P... er... my friends. I miss my cousin... I haven't even seen Squirt since she dissapeared... I think she is avoiding me as much as I am avoiding her..." |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 30 2004, 10:30 PM |
| Oliver frowned, he was still dealing with the guilt every day of his life. "Alexandria. You have to learn to put the guilt aside. You can't let it eat you away. This...this shell of yourself will only cause more harm to those who care about you. I hate to keep brining up Juliana, but have you spoken to her lately? Something has been seriously wrong with her since that night." Oliver said shaking his head, "I tried to talk to her and she said that you'd made her realize something and that you were gone now....Alexandria, I'm sure these people need you more than you know. Let your rationale through, you're doing more harm to them this way." Oliver said, hoping that rant had made at least some since. |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 30 2004, 11:40 PM |
| "I know.... I've seen....." Alex said hanging her head down in shame. "I... I said some things.... things I probably shouldn't have said...." "I want to let it through.... you have no idea how much, I do.... I just... I don't know how. I don't know how to make up. How to tell my uncle I failed... which... I can't even actually tell him since it was his last wish..." "Professor... I'm sorry.... I'm sorry I am acting like this in front of you.... I fell like I am letting you down somehow..." |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 31 2004, 12:33 AM |
| "You're not letting me down Alexandria." Oliver said, not knowing quite what to do still. "You're letting yourself down, and you're letting your friends down. You've got no obligations to me." Frustrated at his lack of advice, Oliver pulled up some grass and let it fly away on the wind, "Occupy yourself Alex. It's the only thing I can suggest. You know where you are needed." he said, standing and offering his assistant a hand. "Either way, I've got a class to teach soon and I'm sure you've got classes this afternoon." |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 31 2004, 01:19 AM |
| Alex nods and takes his offer of help, pulling herself up. "I may not have obligations to you, Professor.... but... I can't help but feel like I am letting you down by acting like this. I mean... after the stories you have told me... I know there has to be way more... and... well... If you can get through all that... I need to work through this..." "I just... I want to have your respect, I guess.... and I can't help but feel I may have lost what little I think I had. That... I don't know... maybe I am not the type of person you want as your assistant anymore...." Alex said looking down as she admitted what was on her mind about letting him down. "I don't know... but... yeah... I do have class later.... First classes of the year..." Alex said quietly. Truth be told, she was not looking forward to them for the first time in her Hogwart's career. |
| Posted by: Oliver Wood Jan 31 2004, 01:41 AM |
| "Alexandria. Don't even think that I would let you back out of being my assistant right before the term begins." Oliver said, laying that misconception to rest. Walking a few steps towards the castle, Oliver turned back, "If anything I respect you more Alexandria. It's a noble thing for a person to sacrifice themself for their friends. I just think that in your case there is a better way to go. I hope that you understand that." |
| Posted by: Alexandria Davis Jan 31 2004, 02:18 AM |
| "I'll think about it..." Alex said nodding and probably showing one of the first true smiles she has had since all of this began. At least one thing was going good. She was very happy that she was still going to be his assistant. Maybe with that going good, it will be the first step to getting herself back. "Thank you, Professor." Alex said, picking up her bag and noticing Sky approach. A few moments later he landed on her shoulder. Trying to shoo him away, she let out a small "Ack!" as the bird started pecking her gently at first. Knowing the bird well enough, she glanced at his foot and saw a small note with her name scrawled on it in her cousin's handwriting. 'Odd...' she thought as she pulled it off Sky's leg to get him to stop pecking at her. Reading it through quickly, she smiled. Her cousin wanted to see her! Looking back up at the Professor, she smiled again. "I may still think and feel certain things... but... it seems... it seems Aura wants to see me." She said indicating the note. "I don't know for sure if it is a good idea still... but.... I'm going to go... if nothing else because I want to try... I want my life back.... I don't want to be alone." EDIT: *pulls out her chatbeater 9000 and kills her tyops* |