{HEx : Horoscope}

as foretold by Medium Colossa Lowe

Aries
March 21 - April 19
Sign: The Ram

An increasing number of people will tell you that you’re a jerk. It would be best if you spent as much time as possible in isolation. Lock yourself in closets, if you have to. Speaking of closets, since Neptune is at its brightest, now would be the best time to come out to your parents. The truth will set you free.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Sign: The Bull

Despite being the most magically incompetent sign, you'll soon discover this isn't always a bad thing. It took you a while, but you finally have discovered your true love: experimental theatre. Now’s the time to follow your dream to the top, cease the day! You will be pleasantly surprised to find how much the critics love your salsa version of Fiddler on the Roof.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Sign: The Twins

Love is in the air for Geminis this month as Venus changes its orbit; however, the relationship is mostly one-sided. Don’t fool yourself: it’s stalking. Try finding another hobby, such as crocheting. On a completely different note, you might want to get that rash checked.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Sign: The Crab

In an ironic twist of fate, one of your number will cure cancer this month. The rest of you unfortunately will have nothing but dull experiences. Remember to get new watch batteries.

Leo
July 23 - August 22
Sign: The Lion

This month, a repressed early childhood memory will come to light. Start looking up names of therapists now, or you’ll be getting to know St. Mungo’s quite well. A Nigerian wizard will owl you this month offering you 239 billion galleons. Don’t respond.

Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Sign: The Virgin

It turns out you’re allergic to cats after all.

Libra
September 23 - October 23
Sign: The Scales

Your constellation has moved south of the equator, which means you should avoid spicy foods this month. On the 6th, you will discover a primitive cannibalistic tribe living in the Forbidden Forrest who will start worshiping you as a god. Do not clear up this misconception.

Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Sign: The Scorpion

You will accidentally start a war. Try blaming Canada. If you have been wondering why your conversations with the giant squid have been getting a little awkward lately, it’s only because he fancies you. Practice your rejection of his wooing in front of a mirror. By the way, the password’s “Muffin Man.” Commit this to memory.

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Sign: The Centaur

If you see three witches with beards that tell you that you are going to be Minister of Magic someday, really try as hard as you can to forget about it. Ignorance is bliss. In Potions, you will accidentally invent a magical breath mint that makes your teeth grow hair. Don’t lose this recipe, as it will become more important than you can possibly imagine.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Sign: The Goat

When you enchant buckets and broomsticks to clean up for you, make sure you don’t fall asleep. It can only lead to trouble.

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Sign: Water

You and your friends will start a wizarding rock band and drop out of Hogwarts to tour the world. Your one and only hit will be on the charts for six weeks; the next album will flop miserably. There will be a bitter break-up leading to depression, dependence, and eventually death. Plant some daisies to cheer up the place.

Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Sign: Fish

There are thirty days this month. Ice cream will be cold. You will kiss James Blake. What? Oh, I’m sorry. I misplaced my Pisces star chart and wanted to go with the givens. Well, enjoy all that anyway.