{HEx : Horoscope}
as foretold by Medium Colossa Lowe
Aries
March 21 - April 19
Sign: The Ram
An increasing number of people will tell you that you’re a jerk. It would be
best if you spent as much time as possible in isolation. Lock yourself in
closets, if you have to. Speaking of closets, since Neptune is at its brightest,
now would be the best time to come out to your parents. The truth will set you
free.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Sign: The Bull
Despite being the most magically incompetent sign, you'll soon discover this
isn't always a bad thing. It took you a while, but you finally have discovered
your true love: experimental theatre. Now’s the time to follow your dream to the
top, cease the day! You will be pleasantly surprised to find how much the
critics love your salsa version of Fiddler on the Roof.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Sign: The Twins
Love is in the air for Geminis this month as Venus changes its orbit; however,
the relationship is mostly one-sided. Don’t fool yourself: it’s stalking. Try
finding another hobby, such as crocheting. On a completely different note, you
might want to get that rash checked.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Sign: The Crab
In an ironic twist of fate, one of your number will cure cancer this month. The
rest of you unfortunately will have nothing but dull experiences. Remember to
get new watch batteries.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Sign: The Lion
This month, a repressed early childhood memory will come to light. Start looking
up names of therapists now, or you’ll be getting to know St. Mungo’s quite well.
A Nigerian wizard will owl you this month offering you 239 billion galleons.
Don’t respond.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Sign: The Virgin
It turns out you’re allergic to cats after all.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Sign: The Scales
Your constellation has moved south of the equator, which means you should avoid
spicy foods this month. On the 6th, you will discover a primitive cannibalistic
tribe living in the Forbidden Forrest who will start worshiping you as a god. Do
not clear up this misconception.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Sign: The Scorpion
You will accidentally start a war. Try blaming Canada. If you have been
wondering why your conversations with the giant squid have been getting a little
awkward lately, it’s only because he fancies you. Practice your rejection of his
wooing in front of a mirror. By the way, the password’s “Muffin Man.” Commit
this to memory.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Sign: The Centaur
If you see three witches with beards that tell you that you are going to be
Minister of Magic someday, really try as hard as you can to forget about it.
Ignorance is bliss. In Potions, you will accidentally invent a magical breath
mint that makes your teeth grow hair. Don’t lose this recipe, as it will become
more important than you can possibly imagine.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Sign: The Goat
When you enchant buckets and broomsticks to clean up for you, make sure you
don’t fall asleep. It can only lead to trouble.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Sign: Water
You and your friends will start a wizarding rock band and drop out of Hogwarts
to tour the world. Your one and only hit will be on the charts for six weeks;
the next album will flop miserably. There will be a bitter break-up leading to
depression, dependence, and eventually death. Plant some daisies to cheer up the
place.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Sign: Fish
There are thirty days this month. Ice cream will be cold. You will kiss James
Blake. What? Oh, I’m sorry. I misplaced my Pisces star chart and wanted to go
with the givens. Well, enjoy all that anyway.